July 20, 2018

99 Relatable Things That Only Preppers Will Understand

99 Relatable Things That Only Preppers Will Understand

With every major purchase, you contemplate going for the off-grid version. You have more manual tools than power tools. You’ve washed entire loads of laundry by hand for either necessity or practice. (And not just your dainties…we’re talking about jeans and stuff!) Your kids are not afraid of guns…or fingers pointed like guns…or pastries in the shape of guns…or drawings of guns. When house-hunting you look for multiple heat and water sources. You store food in buckets…lots of buckets…like, maybe even a whole room full of buckets. You garden with a determination and time commitment normally reserved for endurance athletes training for an Ironman triathlon. If you don’t have a water source on your property, you have put in miles of footwork searching for one nearby, and have mapped multiple discreet routes to and from the source, and figured out how to haul the water back to your house on each route. Your first instinct when hearing about some event on the mainstream news is skepticism. (False flag event, anyone?) You read articles about multiple ways to use white vinegar and nod your head throughout. You believe that FEMA camps are real and that you are most likely on “The List”. Instead of CNN, you have alternative news sites bookmarked in your favorites on your computer. You have enough coffee/tea/favorite-caffeinated-item-of-choice to last you through 3 apocalypses. You could outfit a small-town pharmacy with all of the over-the-counter medications you have stashed away. You have an instinctive mistrust of anyone working for the government. You could sink a ship with the weight of your stored ammo. In fact, you put it in the basement when you became concerned about your floorboards. Looking for a fun weekend outing with the kids? Forget amusement parks – the shooting range is where it’s at. When the power goes out, you calmly light the candles and proceed with whatever you had been dong previously. A longer-term power outage is called “practice”. If a like-minded person comes over to your house, they’ll realize you are “one of them” by seeing your reading material. Other folks won’t even notice. The FBI might call your copy of The Prepper’s Blueprint and your A. American fiction “subversive literature”. Your children carry a modified bug-out kit in their school backpacks . You can and dehydrate food with the single-minded fervor of an Amish grandmother facing a 7-year drought. Calling 911 is not part of your home security plan. You spend your days off digging an underground bunker in your backyard. You have more than a thousand cheapo lighters that you purchased in bulk, stashed away in the back of your linen closet…and you don’t even smoke. You eat a lot of survival food now, so there is no ‘system shock’ when you are forced to eat only the items you have stocked (or that you GROW – hint hint). You stock alcohol in mass quantities so you can comfortably numb after the SHTF. You stock alcohol in mass quantities – and you don’t even drink. (Barter, baby!) You know what? Forget stocking alcohol. You have your own still . You’ll make alcohol. You have enough salt to create another Dead Sea. You don’t move – you strategically relocate . You purchased 50 of these little EDC multitaskers already for stocking stuffers for your friends/family/workmates/neighbor/random stranger. Speaking of Christmas, you gave Conflicted to everyone last year. When your friends ask about your favorite authors, instead of Hemmingway, Tolkien, or Kerouac, you get a blank stare when you tell them it’s John ‘Lofty’ Wiseman . You know exactly how many Mountain House buckets it takes to make a base for a single bed. You don’t stock up on milk. You get an actual cow. Your family doesn’t dare take something from the food stockpile without marking it off the list. Your kids know how to don a gas mask in 30 seconds. Everyone in your survival group carries the same firearm so that ammo is standardized. You have non-electric versions of appliances like wheat grinders , and coffee makers . You yell at the TV every time a commercial for Doomsday Preppers comes on. Oh. Wait. You don’t have a TV. But if you did, you’d yell, because you know how positively ridiculous and unrealistic that show is. Your family is no longer surprised when you announce, “Hey, we’re going to learn how to make (insert anything here)!” You have more how-to books stored on hard-drives than most public libraries have on the bookshelves. Your children have a plan in case they need to bug out from school . Alternatively, you homeschool and bugging out is part of the curriculum. You have more than three ways to cook dinner if the power goes out: a woodstove, a barbecue, a sun oven , a fire-pit, and/or a volcano stove . and Red Dawn are basic training films for your family. You have long since accepted the idea that if you’re not on someone’s list, you’re probably not doing it right. Your 7-year-old knows Morse code. You’re secretly disappointed when the electricity comes back on after only a few minutes. You know more ways to make a homemade knife than the entire population of your local prison combined. You don’t just rotate food, you rotate ammo. You know the distance from your door to your front gate is precisely 207 yards. Moving to a new house is no longer “moving”, but “ strategic relocation “. You have mapped out at least 3 different routes by car and 2 different routes on foot to get to your bug-out location. You know the difference between “ Tyvek ” suits, and in which instance they should be used. Ditto the finer points of N-95


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